its official

I can't deny it any further, I am a yo-yo dieter. I go from wanting to be brilliantly buff, working out really hard and eating really well for several months, I get fantastic results and then I turn on myself and become all self righteous about my body. I go on this whole stint about positive body image and trying to accept myself for who I am. I try and tell myself that I dont want to spend my entire life in a gym and I end up putting on all the weight I lost and all the great effort I put in is reversed. And here I am again, at the tail end of a righteous phase about to become a gym/diet junkie again. Watch this space you'll see great things achieved over the coming months i'm sure of it. But watch again in few months more and i'm sure you'll all that great work gone again.

Now let's talk this through. If I only exercised three times per week and ate relatively well but still allowed myself to eat the things I wanted, I would be a fairly solid size twelve, possibly the bottom end of a fourteen. When I diet and exercise like mad I can go down to a low 10. I wonder if this ever stops? Do I go through my entire life like this? I dont know. I need to either learn to love myself as a bigger girl or I need to learn to maintain such a disciplined diet and exercise regime. There is a lot more at stake now too, i'm an aerobics instructor and I cant just get fat because I feel like it. Blah. Sometimes being a woman is incredibly hard. Sometimes its fanatastic, but sometimes its just plain hard.

The funny thing is, looking fantastic for people isnt even an issue for me. Its all about how I feel and when I am bigger, I feel worse. But here's the thing, do I feel worse because I know I dont look as good? Or do I feel worse because the body naturally feels better when you're treating it well? These are the questions I ask myself a lot.

I have a girlfriend who is a little bigger than I am. She says she worries about her weight but she is so self confident that I often question whether she is worried, or she is saying she is worried because that is what most girls do... its the same thing as above, how do i really tell which is the truth?

I long for the day that I become completely and totally happy with my body. Or at least acceptance would be nice. I actually thought I was almost there, but as I see now i'm just going through a phase again. MEH!